Doctor says surgery. I don’t want to have it. They still aren’t really sure what’s wrong. Still feels like they are just guessing. I got in the car after my appointment, took a deep breath, and then I cried. Stacy and Zoey were on set filming. My friend Kim was a Godsend that day and took my boys to play.
I mostly cried because I had the realization that what’s going on in me quite possibly could be because I have put everything and everyone else ahead of myself when it came to taking care of me. That’s why it was hard. Not because of what the doctor said. Not even because of what could happen.
And then I did something I haven’t done in a long time. I turned on the radio to the Christian music station, and this song came on: Blessings by Laura Story. Its like God showed up in my car, and then, just more tears. But that day, I did feel like my healing came through my tears. I didn’t know the theology of it, I didn’t know if it was in the Bible. I didn’t even know if I agreed with the lyrics. But what I did know is that God is who He says He is. And He is with me. Trusting.
“What if your blessing comes through raindrops, what if your healing comes through tears,
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
What if the trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise ”