I have found that even as I see miracles happen right in front of me, I still soon after forget the celebration and I get ahead of myself. I forget that it wasn’t anything I did to make these things happen, and it won’t be anything I do that will open the biggest doors. I go into crazy mode and think that I need to “rally the troops” and “phone all my famous friends” and I get trapped so quickly in the rat race of the entertainment industry knowing that it all comes down to the fact that some of this is just about being in a popularity contest. I receive press, or get nominated for an award, or I have to get more press and get votes! I feel trapped that my career hinges on my popularity. All this happens because I lose my identity in it, I get all too wrapped up, stressed out, and panicky to “achieve”.
So, I give up. And then more miracles happen.
The thing I always come back to, and I am always reminded of, is that my life is what I believe it to be. It’s up to me to choose what I value, and what I purpose in my life. I choose to put my family first, I choose my friends, and I let go of those that I need to let go of as we may be on different journeys, and thats ok. Hard, but ok. I choose who I give my time to, as that’s the most valuable measurable thing we have, and I choose to Trust God, and with that, believe that I walk in HIS FAITH and REST. And it’s only when I forget that, that I start relying on me again. It’s easy to rely on me, as I’m used to that. That’s comfortable, and for the most part, it works. But not really. I just trick myself into thinking that so my busy may seem productive but it’s not. So then I spend a few days not doing anything and seeing great things happen without my “efforts” and it makes the truth of God more and more real and hard to ignore even if the “haters” tell you different.
You know how you always read books of super successful wealthy people saying how money doesn’t matter, and it’s all about he journey, and not the bottom line. Or “it’s empty at the top” or whatever. I used to be like ” yeah that’s what rich people say because they can do whatever they want now lol ” But, I’m writing from a place of broken-ness now walking through restoration and seeing God’s firsthand miraculous provision THAT IS FOR EVERYONE, right before me. I’m in the middle of my journey, but that’s what it’s all about: taking every moment by moment and enjoying the great, getting through the hard, believing the best, but ultimately knowing that we are all victorious if we believe it!
As for the career. I quit competing. When I forget I don’t need to, I go crazy for… ooo about an hour, then Stacy hugs me, reminds me I’m loved and kindly but sternly tells me to quit stressing. So I do.
And then, the kids jump on my bed, Stacy makes popcorn, and we enjoy family movie night together, and all is bliss. I’ll still go to radio. The press will find me. The people who are supposed to hear my music will hear it, and I get to live. Just live.